I hung out with a rock band last night. We drank beer, talked about making art together and waxed lyrical on the past decade's great sporting moments. I felt like a real dude. I figure afterward they went and rocked out 'till dawn -- awash in the hedonistic excess of making music as loud as they could.

I went home. It was past my bedtime, I had work to do, and I could already hear my alarm clock -- that obnoxious, piercing bastard -- ripping me from sleep into a groggy, depressed, nauseous stumble from my bed to the shower. I have a dayjob, I have health insurance, I worry about my daughter's well-being.

It's quite possible I am no longer cool.

But let's be fair. I was never that cool. Even while I belted out punk songs, dove head first into mosh pits and spent considerable amounts of time trying to "stick it to the man", I simply didn't possess the kind of "fuck it all" attitude/complete-and-total disregard for my own well-being that a guy needs to really rock. I was always one cautious step behind, slightly too self-conscious to give in to whatever mayhem the moment presented -- slightly too aware/afraid of the overwhelming permanence of it all to get random symbols of defiance tattooed on arm/ass/whatever, or countless bits of metal shoved in my face. (Not that I didn't want to, I think that stuff looks awesome. I was just chicken shit.)

And now, when I'm finally at an age where I feel self-possessed enough to do the things I'm into (regardless of apprehension), I find I don't really need to scream at everything I perceive to be unjust/intolerant/stupid. I no longer want a metal ring in my nose/lip/ear/eyebrow/etc. (Somewhere my parents scream, yes! We did it!)

For awhile I thought fearfully that maybe this means I'd stopped caring -- or even worse that I was actually turning conservative just like everyone says you do after college. But thankfully that's not it. (Let's all breathe a sigh of relief.) I just don't have the energy it takes to fight every battle, and -- more frequently -- I no longer have the kind of moral certainly it takes to declare enemies outright. (Although I could name a couple causes/corporations/politicians that come pretty damn close.)

This isn't new. In fact, it appears to be common of every self-righteous "liberal" college student that does anything short of running off to join the Peace Corps or the Zapatistas. Perspective is a good thing. Empathy for those with different opinions is also a good thing. But it still feels weird. Like, uncomfortable. Like, I'm not entirely sure who's on my team.

In short, growing up sucks. Or it doesn't. I'm not sure. Damnit.